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Ray's tennis elbow had been killing him, so when he was passing by the doctor's office one day, he decided to stop in. The nurse told him he could see the doctor in twenty minutes, but first he had to provide a urine sample. Ray told her that was absurd for an elbow examination, but she insisted. Finally, he agreed.
Later, he was ushered in to see the doctor, who said, "That tennLater, he was ushered in to see the doctor, who said, "That tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?"
"The nurse told you, then?" Ray asked.
"No," the doctor replied. "It's the urinalysis." He explained that he'd purchased a new machine that could diagnose absolutely every physical condition with total accuracy. The machine cost a fortune, but it cut down on his work so much that he was able to get out on the golf course at three every afternoon.
Ray didn't believe a word. However, he did agree to provide another urine sample when he came back in for another checkup.
Two weeks later, Ray was sitting at the breakfast table talking with his wife about the ridiculous machine. They decided to have some fun with the doctor. Ray pee'ed in the bottle, and so did his wife and teenage daughter. Then, as he opened the garage door, Ray had another idea. He put a few drops of crankcase oil from his car in the bottle, then beat off and added a few drops of semen. Then he shook up the bottle, drove to the doctor and handed the bottle to the nurse.
This time the analysis took an entire hour. When Ray sat down, the doctor looked at him and said, "All right, wise guy. I've got some bad news for you. Your daughter's pregnant, your wife's got V.D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never going to heal."
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"
"O.J. just found out the civil verdict and he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $33.5 million for the Brown and Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "Oh really, how much have you got so far."
"So far....ten gallons."
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The guy sits at the bar, and starts talking to the bartender. While they're talking, the monkey walks over to the pool table, and eats one of the pool balls.
The bartender says to the guy, "What the heck is wrong with your monkey?
He just ate one of the pool balls!" The guy replies, "I can't help it. He eats anything and everything, and there doesn't seem to be a thing I can do to stop it." He takes the monkey and leaves.
A few days later, the guy shows up at the bar and again, he's got the monkey with him. This time, the monkey sits down at the bar, grabs a peanut from a dish, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it back out and eats it.
The bartender says to the guy, "What the heck is he doing now?"
"He still pretty much eats everything, but after the pool ball a few days ago, he checks to make sure it will fit before he eats something..."
A single father and his 6 month old baby are sitting in the doctors waiting room. The baby is crying its lungs out. A concerned women cannot take it any longer and while walking upto the baby she can smell the reason for the baby's distress:
-Sir, I think your baby needs a new nappy.
And when she unvails the baby she notices this dighper ready to burst.
-Sir, this nappy should have been changed days ago!
The father replies:
-Do you know how much these things cost? Anyway on the packet it says: upto 5 kilograms.
Well, one night Superman is flying around in searchof something to do. He looks down, sees Batman (with his X-ray vision, of course) and asks him: "Hey Batman, do you want to go out and raise some hell tonight?" "Sorry, Super, I can't. I have to fix the Batmobile tonight, can't fight crime without it..." So Superman starts flying again. Next, he sees Spiderman, but he's busy too. Finally, just as he was getting tired, he spots Wonder Woman, laying on her back naked, by the swimming pool. "Wow, what luck" Superman says to himself. "You know, I've always wondered if I really was faster than a speeding bullet! I've got to take advantage of this opportunity." So he flies down, does his business in less than a second, and he's gone just like that. Wonder Woman, perplexed, says "What was that?!" "I don't know, but it sure hurt a lot!" says Invisible Man as he gets up off of her.
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