|
|
|
A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"
The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."
The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish."
The sister said, "Oh, ok." She took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."
Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."
The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."
So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught."
Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!"
Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."
Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish."
In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."
The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...
"I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!"
Speke speakes to Watt today
Speke: Are you there? Are you there?
Watt: No, I`m here.
Speke: What`s your name?
Watt: Watt.
Speke: What`s your name?
Watt: Watt.
Speke: Can`t you hear? What`s your name?
Watt: Watt`s my name.
Speke: Yes, what`s your name?
Watt: My name`s Watt.
Speke: I`m asking you.
Watt: I`m called Watt!
Speke: I don`t know.
Watt: I am Mr. Tom Watt!
Speke: Oh, I`m sorry. I didn`t understand.
Watt: Woh are you?
Speke: Speke.
Watt: I am speaking. What`s your name?
No, it isn`t. My name`s Speke. I want to speak to Day.
Watt: You can speak to-day. I can hear you.
Speke: I don`t want you to hear me. I want to speak to Day.
Watt: At what time?
Speke: Now! I want to speak to Day. To Day! To DAY!
Watt: It`s to-day now, Speke. Speak, Speke.
Speke: But I want to speak to Mr. Henry Day now.
Watt: Oh, I`m sorry. You can`t speak to Day to-day. He doesn`t want to speak to Speke to-day. He told me so.
A recent Italian immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run!
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Italian stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Italian, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Italian stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Italian stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walka with pr-r-ride man!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.
The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.
The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch!"
I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes,
normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on
one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the
day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant
action. When in use, I move back and forth and
in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is
finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left
behind, and I return to my original position.
Cleaning is usually done after I am.
What am I?
|
|
|
